The Virgin Diaries
Steve the Psychiatrist

Hi! I really can’t put into words how much your sweet responses and comments mean to me. I am so blessed that God has allowed me to be apart of this and wanted to thank you all for reading and sharing this blog. Please feel free to share any of your stories, comments, observations, criticisms, anything at all with me! I love hearing from you guys.

On another note, I wanted to remind you girls that there are good guys out there! Some of the coolest, most attractive, funniest, smartest guys I know are either waiting for their future bride or waited until their wedding night! So, BE STRONG and keep the faith! You will find him in God’s perfect timing!

Moving on. Happy 50-70% off Valentine’s Day candy day! Let’s talk about Steve the Psychiatrist. 

One night, after I had just finished this great, super intense cycling class I wanted nothing more than to relax and de-stress my poor legs. Side note: I would have used my gym’s sauna, but I’m not the biggest fan since no one uses proper ‘Sauna Etiquette’:

  • Bring a towel. Even if it’s a nude sauna, no one wants your bum sweat or curly q’s on the wood bench.
  • If you are a bit stinky, rinse off. We are in a small-enclosed area, and the heat magnifies your stank.
  • Please don’t stretch. (I don’t think this needs an explanation.)
  • Don’t make eye contact. We’re not in there to make friends.
  • Space out. There is no need to be all up on someone else.
  • Starting a conversation is not necessary.
  • The sauna is not a nail salon; please don’t trim your toenails.

Since I nixed the sauna, I decided to go relax in the hot tub at my apartment complex. As luck would have it, I was alone. Thank goodness. I put on my “Chillin’ Out Max & Relaxing All Cool” playlist (please know the reference) and slipped into my happy place. You know how you can feel when someone is staring at you? Well, they were. I have no idea how long he had been there, but Steve the Psychiatrist had made his way into the hot tub. Here is a quick reminder about Steve:

STEVE THE PSYCHIARTRIST: Steve is sure that I have buried sexual hang-ups that I cannot or will not face, because who in their right mind (and in the 21st century) would choose to wait.

STEVE: “I bet you have daddy issues. Here is my card. I could really help you work through this.”

Side note: Since I brought up ‘Sauna Etiquette’, I feel as if I should mention  proper ‘Hot Tub Etiquette’:

  • Hot Tubs are not bathrooms. Keep your bodily fluids to yourself.
  • Stay out if you have open sores. Gross.
  • No posteriors for posterity. You are not paparazzo, don’t take pictures.
  • This ‘Hot Tub’ is G-Rated. I don’t want to see all that junk, all that junk inside yo’ trunks.

Back to the story: As I opened my eyes, much to my horror, I see a very thin, pale man, straight up, staring at my boobs….(in high pitched sing-song tone) awwk-ward!

And then, it spoke.

Suddenly, I felt like I was in the middle of an SNL sketch. I was in the hot tub with Will Ferrell’s character Roger Clarvin, and he was hoping I was his lov-ah, Virginia (Rachel Dratch). 

STEVE: Well, hello there.

I hoped not responding would lead him to believe I was deaf.

STEVE (con’t): I have not seen you down here, but I have seen you around…

It did not.

STEVE (con’t): …in your windows.

ME: Excuse me?

STEVE: Forgive me, I have been known to use sexual innuendos in my practice, because I’m a doctor.

ME: Oh I thought you said you saw me in my window.

STEVE: No, no, innuendos. You don’t seem to have many lovah’s.

ME: I’m sorry, but have we met?

STEVE: Forgive me, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Steve Boehner, but you can call me Dr. Steve.

The awkward silence prodded him on.

STEVE: Tell me your name?

ME: I don’t wanna.

STEVE: Pleased to meet you Ida. Now, Whana, is that…

ME: …Hindu.

STEVE: Ah, yes. I took a Hindu class in college. I studied with the Rosetta Stone.

Silence.

STEVE: Did you say something? What kind of doctor?

ME:…sure.

STEVE: I’m a sexual healer. A therapist of sorts. Some may refer to me as a psychiatrist but I like to think of myself as the gateway to pleasure town. 

ME: I’m sorry?

STEVE: May I share something with you?

ME: I’m just really trying to –

STEVE: Do you not find when one first enters the warm, rolling waters of the ha-tub, is it not unlike your first encounter with a new lov-ah?

ME: Um, I don’t, but I guess I will find out when I get married.

STEVE: Are you telling me you’re a Virgitarian? An emerging virgin? A holder of the V-Card?

ME: Yep. I’m A VBC.

STEVE: A VBC? I’m not familiar with the term.

After a second of contemplating this, Steve devises a “brilliant plan.(I use the term brilliant loosely).

STEVE (con’t): Okay, oh—okay, I’m willing to help you out with this neurosis.

ME (laughing): Neurosis? Really?

STEVE:Yes. In my professional opinion, I believe you are phallophobic—you’re afraid of the penis.

Annnd we’ve reached a whole new level of awkward hilarity. Let the diagnosis begin.

STEVE: Daddy issues?

ME: No.

STEVE: Ah, Vaginismus, the vagig has grown closed?

ME: Nope, don’t have snap dragon in my pants.

STEVE: Are you libido intolerant?

ME: What is - what does that even mean?

STEVE: You body is rejecting it’s natural animal instincts.

ME: Au contraire baby, I’m randy. (know the reference)

STEVE: Germaphobe?

ME: What do you call a germ who wants to have a good time? A Fungi.

Undeterred by my quick wit, he keeps going. 

STEVE: Ohhhh, no. Ida, Ida, Ida, dare I ask, this is not, don’t tell me it’s a — a morality issue? A choice?

ME: VBC means ‘Virgin by Choice’, so yes, it is a choice.  

Here was my chance to school the scholar.

ME: Okay, let me try and put this in real simple terms. Would you rather have a piece of fruit that several people have already take a bite from? OR, would you rather have your very own, picked fresh from the tree, juiciest, firmest, supple, most delicious apple?

STEVE: Must it be an apple? Could I, maybe, have my very own fruit salad……

I won’t make you guys suffer anymore. 

I do agree with Steve in one sense, sex is psychologically delicate. Doctors will tell you that men are visual and women are emotional. To me, sex is the most intimate sharing of ones self. The Bible puts it so clear, “and two shall become one” (Mark 10:8). If you pretend sex is, as Steve says, just an “animal instinct” that must be satisfied, you will be left feeling so empty inside because you gave away the real you to someone who put on a false front.

 We get a glimpse of true, genuine, unfailing love when we see God’s compassion through the manhood of Jesus. True love is God’s love. His love has no ulterior motives, no hidden agenda, no strings attached. It’s perfect. That’s pretty stinkin’ awesome.  

 For me, waiting is my way of showing the man God has for me, that I am in this for the long haul. It’s my commitment to our life together. Plus, I know, the sex is going to be awesome. I’m pretty excited (half immature laugh) for my wedding night… the honeymoon… and every day after that (high five). So, until then, I will continue to increase my flexibility and build up my cardio endurance, so it will be all kinds of smokin’ hott as we, to quote the great Marvin Gaye, “GET IT ON” (bow-chicka-wow-wow)!

 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins … And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. - 1 John 4:10, 16

 

Ed the Ego Man

Happy 2012 friends! I suppose it is time to pick up where we left off with another entry in The Virgin Diaries. I want to start off the New Year on a positive note, so here it goes…

On New Years Eve I met old friends in Dallas, where we rung in the New Year seeing Wade Bowen at Gilley’s. Little did I know, on that wooden dance floor, I would meet the man of my dreams. As Wade Bowen and the band played “Trouble”, our eyes met in passing for the first time. I looked away; embarrassed he caught me, but I still saw the smile on his rugged face.

While the music played on, I peeked over the shoulder of my current dance parter, to see if I could spot him boot scootin’ across the dance floor. Then, at that same moment, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder, and there he stood. Butterflies flooded my stomach as he asked me if he could cut in. In that perfect moment, he took my hand and spun me into him. I’m not sure if it was the magic of the moment or the bottles strewn over the dance floor that landed me face first, apparently crashing into the stage. Eventually I awoke, realizing none of this happened. My Mr. Rough n’ Ready was just a figment of my imagination. And unfortunately, starting off the New Year with the wrong kind of bang (no pun intended). 

There is a reason for this sappy love story, I swear. you see, during this daydream, I was actually tuning out Ed the Ego Man.

**Disclaimer: These stories are compilations from various conversations I have had. The names and situations have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved. Also, when I go out, I do not make an over-the-top, “ta-da” entrance announcing my virginity to see the type of dudes I can attract.**

You might remember Ed from my first entry, but just in case: 

ED THE EGO MAN: This guy takes my virginity personal, like virgins everywhere are launching a personal attack on his life choices. He assumes I, the virgin, am sitting in judgement of of the notches in his bedpost and immediately picks a fight, while letting me know he is NOT contagious. 

ED: “Dude, there are a million chicks whose clothes would fall off the second they got a look at all this (while biting his lower lip and attempting to do a sexy body roll).

Ed is confident. He looks all kinds of good. He is so cool. He runs his hands though his hair and absent-mindedly makes you want him. He thinks all of Taylor Swifts songs are written about him. His ego is greater than an Italians love for wine.

Ed’s problem with me is that I don’t share his views on sex. He can’t wrap his head (inappropriate laughter) around why I would choose to wait. He won’t let it go. He can’t let it go. He must convince me to step over to the dark side, which would validate the lifestyle and choices he has made. It’s a huge blow to his ego that I won’t hop on the good foot and do the bad thing (uh thank you…please know the reference). 

Our conversation goes something like this:

ED: Once upon a time, everyone was a virgin…

ME: Yes, that’s true.

ED: I know you are a spiritual person, c’mon, take this leap of faith.

ME: (turns to exit) Oh woooow.

ED: Are you afraid one night with me will irreparably damage you? I have great references, if that would make you feel better.

ME: (sincere laughter) I’m feeling pretty good, thanks though.

ED: Okay, listen; I don’t know why you’re judging me. You’rethe virgin. 

ED (CONT): (cocky) Girl, I put the STD in stud. That came out wrong. However, I read somewhere that German researchers are close to a breakthrough ointment that will reduce the pain from excruciating to dull, never mind.

I think Ed’s self-referenced and self-centeredness stems from a fear of rejection or a lack of trust when it comes to love. He needs me to agree with him that sexual promiscuity is okay, even normal. When I won’t agree, I reject everything he stands for. Ed genuinely believes that I should be worshiping gratefully at his feet, for at least one night. Unfortunately for Ed, that spot is taken as I choose to worship at the feet of my Lord and Savior. 

I’m just as afraid as Ed when it comes to rejection and falling in love. But my fear subsides in knowing that I am loved and accepted perfectly in the eyes of my Father. And I am hopeful that, as I continue to wait, God will reveal His perfect plan for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Donald the Dazzler

Merry Christmas friends and family! Christmas is definitely my most favorite time of year. I may or may not have watched every Hallmark, Lifetime and ABCFamily 25 days of Christmas movie this year. I have seen Kevin McCalister set up traps and watch Gangster Johnny give the bad guys to the count of 10 before he pump’s their guts full of lead, more times than I’m comfortable saying. I may consider Buddy the Elf my best friend, but let’s not talk about that. 

Even though those movies rock my socks off, the best part Christmas arrived when my gorgeous sister Hannah finally got in town. 

I’m sure your wondering what in the heck any of this has to do with The Virgin Diaries and I’m getting there, I promise! So, let me start by explaining. I’m the oldest of three sisters. They are my best friends. My life. My heart. And when I’m not around them, it’s almost as if a piece of me is missing. When we were little girls, even though we each had our own room, we would set up camp in the TV room and sleep in there every night. 

*Impressive fact: we can carry legit conversations with each other in our sleep. Jealous?* 

We talk about everything…especially boys. These times are rare now that we’ve all graduated from college. This Christmas in particular, because it’s the last one we will be “The Wilson Girls”, as Ms. Caroline Dee Wilson becomes Mrs. Blake Boyd January 28th. 

So, as we don our footy pajamas: I am Superman (cape and all), Hannah is Kermit and Caroline is Animal, we catch up on the boys from Christmas Past, Present and Future. We look back on the ones we hurt and the ones who hurt us. The huge mistakes and the tiny lazy ones (immature laughter). We started talking about our recent boy “adventures” and it brought forth a guy that has not yet been mentioned in this blog: Donald the Dazzler (I really wanted to say doucher, but since it’s Christmas I decided to stick with the theme). 

**Disclaimer: In no way am I trying to bash any guy out there! I love guys. I’m one of their biggest fans. They’re wonderful. And make my heart beat fast and slow at the same time (please know the reference). And for all you narcissists’ out there: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! This is not about anyone in particular. Back to Donald. 

DONALD THE DAZZLER: He is wonderful. Everything you’ve dreamt about. Loves the Lord with all his heart, but when I won’t spend the night “thing’s just aren’t going to work out, like I thought, between us.”

Donald is a great example of what I like to call a WHEN-WHEN situation. 

  • Girl: When are you going to call? 
  • Donald: When you start putting out.  

Donald is good. Maybe even the best.  He quotes scripture. He has the Bible app on his home screen. He talks long-term. He sets the hook and tricks you into taking the bait (sorry, huge fishing fan). He’s got passion in his pants and he ain’t afraid to show it. He’s sexy and he knows it (he works out). 

When things start out:

  • "You look beautiful." 
  • "I think I have a crush on you."
  •  ”I love ‘us’.” 
  • "This, you and me, (heavy sigh) perfect." 
  • "How did I get so lucky, that you would choose me?" 

As the night progresses: 

  • "You’re so hot." 
  • "I love your body." 
  • "Come closer." 
  • "Just ignore my hand, it has a mind of its own." 
  • "No, no babe, I won’t think any less of you…" 

I don’t think guys understand the temptations are just as hard for girls to resist as guys. We want the same things you want, trust me! But God’s man, or woman, for you will not tempt you like that. They will be willing to wait with you, not on you. And when that awesome day comes, you get to give him or her that special gift with no guilt or remorse. 

Ladies: When you meet this dazzler BRACE YOURSELVES! They are not Edward Cullen. Edward is fictional. God is not. God is Edward times 137 bazillion (if you can even wrap your mind around that)!

And for the ladies, this guy will be better than Edward could ever be (seriously). He is going to love you like Christ loves you. Unconditionally. Forever. Through thick and thin. And yeah, they may not be as eloquent as Edward and say stupid things like:

  • "You have cute sausage fingers." 
  • "I like you with some extra meat on those bones." 
  • "…God love you for trying." 

But that’s why we love them! and that’s why we can wait for that special someone. 

After all, how can we show perfect love until we know perfect love? 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:17-18

Entry Two: Conan the Bar Barian

I’m at a total loss for words and so encouraged by the amazing responses that have come out of this blog. When I wrote the first entry, I did it knowing that I may never have a date again. I mean, honestly, who would have thought my virginity would have brought back old friends, while making new. God is using this for something so much bigger than I ever expected and I am so lucky to have a front row seat in it.

So, I kinda want to start off today with looking at Conan the  ”Bar Barian”. You know the guy, he is in every bar, in every town you have ever been to and somehow “my virginity” is a dragon he must conquer. Here is the description Conan again:

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: This guy is the stud, the man to change my mind. His testosterone flows free and is the irresistible elixir to break my will.

This guy is serious. His quest is to s(lay) me, then pound his chest and hang my “tail” around his neck like a trophy.

Conan: “How can you marry someone, make a commitment for the rest of your life without knowing if you’re sexually compatible with them? You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it! Am I right? Am I right? Oh yeah, pfshh, I am so right. (Pound it….literally). So darlin’, here is what I am willing to do to you, uh I mean for you.  I’m going to ‘let’ you take me around the block for a lil’ spin, (eyebrow raises) see how you like it. Our lil’ secret (wink) If you ain’t feelin’ it no big deal, but you’ll be feelin’ it… Cuz “bein’ with Co-nan is like bein’ with no man’…I made that up and I didn’t even go to college.”

When I think of this type of guy, I think about Kristin Wiig’s booty call in Bridesmaids. I know there are guys out there who really think they are doing women a service by sleeping with them, making themselves seem sexier, which is supposed to make us want them more?

"…but can he do this…" (if you don’t get this, see Bridesmaids)  Really guys? Really? 

Clearly, Wiig’s character was mistaking “sex” for intimacy, hoping for love, but getting whiplash instead. In his mind he really believed he was doing her a favor.

A closer look at this Barbarian showed what he valued. He drove a Porsche, had a smokin’ hot bod, lived in a massive, gorgeous gated home, and I think he told Wiig she was #4 on his “list.” Really? I mean, he has a ton to brag about, but not to a woman. The fact that he has a list is kind of weird, but maybe his homeboy’s will understand. 

At first glance, seems like he might be more into bro’s than ho’s (ba-dum-bum-ching)… that might be a stretch, but his self worth is totally wrapped up in how others perceive him.

So what happens when this type of guy meets someone like me, a virgin, who has a completely different view of sex and love? 

Promiscuity-Bad … Monogamy-Good.  

He HAS to change me over to his way of thinking to validate how successful he is, because his self worth is solely based on what he has and who he has done. I’m not a guy and am relatively clueless when it comes to bro-code. I have however, seen it in movies, high school and unfortunately in my fantasy league. Guys, most guys (not all guys), one up, brag and show off when they are all together. Whether it’s their job, financial status, size of their……….truck, or the women they have slept with…

"I tapped that.” 

“You see her… Boom son!”

"Been there, done that."

Conan needs to be loved and adored, so do I… but I can wait, because I don’t want to miss the right guy because I was killing time with the wrong one. Quite frankly if Conan isn’t meant to be my husband, then he is probably someone else’s and out of respect for his future wife, I’m not going to partake in what God intended for her to share with him.

Now eagerly desire the greater gifts. Love is Indispensable. And yet I will show you the most excellent way. 1 Corinthians 12:31

Entry One

I am an anomaly, a deviation from the norm. I am a 26-year-old virgin. I am beyond proud of my choice and my ability to give the gift, which can only be given once, to one man, one time. I don’t wear a sign for the world to see, I don’t share it with every guy I meet…it is very personal choice between me and the man I have lifted up in prayer since I was a little girl. God’s chosen for me a wonderful man that I will meet in His perfect timing.

However, when the opposite sex discovers my truth, the reactions are often hilarious. It’s not uncommon, when we’re out, for an intoxicated friend of mine to blurt out, “hey, she still has her v-card”, or “can you believe she is still a virgin?” It’s almost like a real life unicorn was walking into a bar when she says stuff like that. And the reactions are as if I have morphed right in front of their eyes.

In a fallen world these are the typical male reactions:

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: This guy is the stud, the man to change my mind. His testosterone flows free and is the irresistible elixir to break my will.

ED THE EGO MAN: This guy takes it personal, like virginity is a personal attack on his life choices. He assumes I, the virgin, am sitting in judgment of his personal choices and immediately picks a fight, while letting me know he is NOT contagious.

HARRY THE HATER: Harry believes that I must be a religious zealot who uses religion as a wall to avoid intimacy. What Harry is unaware of is that, in the limo, between the church and the reception, IT IS ON!

STEVE THE PSYCHIARTRIST: Steve is sure that I have buried sexual hang-ups that I cannot or will not face, because who in their right mind (and in the 21st century) would choose to wait.

KYLE THE CONFSUED: Kyle’s comment basically says it all….”I just don’t get it, you’re not ugly….”

PAUL THE PATRONIZER: This is the guy who comes across super sweet, treating girls with an apparent kindness, but reveals his true colors when his sense of ‘superiority’ comes out when he asks “So, sweetie, what IS wrong with you?”

The “endings” have become as predictable as the sunrise…

CONAN: “You just haven’t met a real man.”

ED: “Dude, there are a million chicks whose clothes would fall off the second they got a look at all this (while biting his lower lip and attempting to do a sexy body roll).

HARRY:  “God created us as sexual beings, He wants us to ‘love’ each other…that’s what the bible says, right?”

STEVE: “I bet you have daddy issues. Here is my card. I could really help you work through this.”

KYLE: “Hey, I’ll do you.”

PAUL: “Let Papa Paul help you out”. 

I’m rarely surprised by a man’s reaction, but often encouraged by friends and mentors who have regrets of loves lost or wondering what might have been if they hadn’t been “one of the girls that guy slept with.” One of my dearest friends is professing her “revirginization” and declaring she is a “Born Again Virgin”. While I completely respect her decision, and know her heart is pure and in the right place, it is just easier for me to stay a regular virgin.  

You might be surprised to know that I have attended four weddings this year where three of the couples chose to wait until their honeymoon. And in January I have the great honor of standing beside my baby sister, my best friend, as she becomes Mrs. Blake Boyd, who will later that evening, give her husband that gift she saved for him and only him. Where he, in turn, will give her the gift he saved just for her, his bride.

For the record, the temptations are great and are constantly testing me. But I so look forward to the chapter in my life, where it is no longer a temptation…it’s a present! Song of Solomon holds my heart and assures me of the love and intimacy I will one-day share, and that brings the biggest smile to my face.

In the meantime I have met some super attractive guys, but for those of you who “just don’t get it”; you’re not the one for me. I know when I find ‘him’, he will definitely get it….and then some (buh bam!)