ALL THE CHARACTERS APPEARING IN THIS WORK ARE FICTITIOUS. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS PURLY COINCIDENTAL.
I wanted to take creative liberty and deviate from our current course to introduce a new guy, Hank the Holy Roller.
***Major Disclaimer: In no way do I want this to come across as bashing and/or making fun of our choices as believers. This blog is nothing without God. To God alone be the glory, forever and ever. Amen*** Let’s do this.
Bible studies are the equivalent of going to a bar for single Christians to meet his or her future spouse. It is the perfect setting to meet someone who can truly appreciate the choice of purity.
Enter Hank the Holy Roller.
Here’s a quick breakdown of Hank:
HANK THE HOLY ROLLER: He is smokin’ hott. A cross between Tim Tebow and Tony Romo, with the supreme jaw clench of Channing Tatum. He loves the Lord. Crazy outgoing. Exudes a quiet confidence. I mean, he’s basically the bee’s knees.
I first noticed Hank at our bible study. Quick fact about me: When I notice a cute boy, I get really nervous. So obviously, I couldn’t talk to him, but I did smile and laugh way too much, told hilarious jokes (duh) and I may or may not have sprayed perfume on myself then “accidentally” walked by him multiple times. Back to the story.
Our class had orchestrated a fun bowling night out for our singles group. I crossed my fingers, hoping we would end up on the same team. It didn’t work. Before the games began, Hank asked if he could pray for our safety. In that moment, it was as if he morphed into a little baby angel, aligning the stars for the beginning of our magical love story. (Okay, sorry that was a bit much; I get caught up in my own thoughts.) I will say this; there is nothing… nuh-thing more attractive than a man who prays.
Note: Girls when you go bowling with a guy you like, please, learn from my mistakes. As I approached the lane, I chose to channel my inner Tom Haverford. My technique: bowl “between the legs” (immature laugh). In my mind, I looked all kinds of fly. In reality, I looked like a child swinging the ball between my legs with two hands (I apologize, this is sounding a bit dirty). Also, crying in bowling is not cool. Yes, smashing your fingers between two bowling balls hurts (more inappropriate laughter) but just because you’re bowling like a child doesn’t mean you should cry like one. You will get strange looks.
At bible study the next week, I made it a point to sit by Hank. We were studying Song of Solomon (one of my favorites) but I was having a hard time focusing because I was so aware of his presence. Then, the topic of sexual purity came up… and there it was… a voice echoing in the distance. Hanks voice. He spoke: “As a man, it is so hard to find a woman in today’s society who truly embraces her virginity… if you can even find a virgin.”
Like a Disney movie, suddenly, I was surrounded by small woodland creatures, placing a veil in my hair, laying flowers at my feet while the birds flew in circles around me, batting their eyelashes and singing. As I tossed my shining hair over my shoulder, I noticed I was now moving in slow motion, with a soft focus lens on the eyes of my beloved, perfectly lit by a spotlight that just so happened to be hung directly over my chair.
A few of us decided to go to Johnny Carino’s for a lovely dinner and without realizing what I was saying, I yelled across the room to Hank, “Hey Hank, food? Hungry? Question mark?”
Over lobster ravioli, calamari and garlic bread, we continued to talk about the lesson and purity. Then he said it, “Yeah, I’m saving myself for my wife.” Without thinking I said, “We should go out!”
Hank asked if I had ever seen any of the Bourne movies. Really? Um, obvi. I’ve read all the books; own the Bourne Collection on BluRay and DVD and watched the Bourne Legacy trailer 7,313 out of the 2,367,276 views on YouTube. James Bourne may or may not be my screen saver on my phone and MacBook (wh-what, I mean, huh…he’s okay).
So far this guy seems promising. We both love us some Jesus, former CIA spies with amnesia and our bodies are germ free and we love it. High five!
(Law & Order DUN-DUN Sound)
THE DATE: The Movie
Saturday 3rd September
Let’s adress this real quick: first dates can be, and honestly should be, a nerve-wracking experience. There is potential for major awkwardness, humiliation, hilarity, dull moments, interesting subjects or instant sparks. You never want a first date to be horrible, but if it is, remember everything because it will make for a great story.
I spent more time getting ready for this date than any normal human being should; I think I was hoping to get a 2-syllable damn. When I got the text telling me he was on his way, the nerves kicked into high gear. He arrived at my apartment, looking all kinds of good, and came to the door (ladies: chivalry isn’t dead). As we walked outside, I saw a “vintage” 1990 maroon Oldsmobile. He’s walking toward the passenger door. As it screeches open, I realize he’s rockin’ this ride. Maybe the look on my face led him to explain that he “could not justify driving a nice car with so many suffering in the world.” *swoon* He is sooo deep. Since I knew we were going to a movie, I thought I would pack us some healthy snacks: a super size box of Hot Tamales, Sour Patch Kids and a box of Oreo’s (don’t judge me), a bottle of water and, of course, a couple Diet Cokes.
So, imagine my surprise as we pulled into the parking lot of “The Church of Whats Happening Now.”
First thought: probably car trouble.
He was taking me to the premiere of an independent film. I’m a huge fan of this kind of stuff, so I was pretty excited. And impressed with homeboy to my left. Is it possible I found a gorgeous guy that gets me? Check and mate.
The lights went down as the music began to rise.
[Camera pans down to reveal]
A man sweating profusely, running, jumping, hiding behind cars; constantly looking back over his shoulder. A shadowy figure creeping behind him, waiting for the right moment to attack.
… wait for it, what is chasing him…
…giant letters spelling out:
The sky darkened. Thunder boomed.
[Camera pans to the sky] and computer generated lightning spells out the following:
“Hank the Holy Roller starring in BOURNE AGAIN!”
Yep, this was happeneing.
After 3 hours of hell, literally, I did learn a couple things.
- Properly placed fans and orange, yellow and red tissue paper cut in triangles can simulate fire.
- I no longer consider Ghost Rider to be the worst film of all time.
- I respect Keanu Reeves.
- Just because a guy is a Christian, doesn’t mean he is the guy for me. I mean after three hours of Hank’s fire and brimstone message, Billy Graham would have questioned his own salvation! (Also, where in the world did he find actual brimstone?)
Once he finished signing autographs (ha just kidding), he drove me home. Maybe it was my silence, the “crap, he knows where I live..” look on my face, or the fact that I played Bubble TapTap the entire ride home; but I was pretty sure he could tell I was no longer interested. When we got to my place, I moved at lightning fast speed to get my door open… I still can’t remember if I told him goodbye, thanks or good night.
Sunday 4th September
I was in that weird half-asleep/half-awake state, when I heard someone beating on my window and calling my name. I’m not gonna lie, it scared the bejebus out of me. So, I put down my stuffed Matt Damon pillow pet (yeah right… *deep sigh* I wish) and grabbed the Glock semi-automatic with laser sites my Dad had given me and peeked through the blinds.
It was Hank. (Son of a…) He looked disheveled, pacing back and forth, in the same clothes from the night before. First thought: probably car trouble. I bet it wouldn’t start and he was stuck out there all night, too embarrassed to bother me. Dadgummit, now I feel half-bad for the guy.
Well, I was half right, he was out there all night, with Jesus.
He explained that after he walked me to the door and got into his car, Jesus came to him. They talked about what a great job he did on the movie, that he was given the spiritual gift of acting, blah, blah, blah… and that I, Jordan, was created for him (Hank) by God. Basically, his search was over. He took my hands, bowed his head and began thanking God. Then, out of nowhere, he starts this crazy talk jibber jabber, mumbo jumbo that I could not, for the life of me, understand.
But wait…. there they are, the hysterics. Tears accompanied with sniffling, snot, drool, convulsive gasping, collapsing, and then thanking the Lord again. Finally, after a good 5 minutes, he pulls himself together, completly unaware of the snot train moving from his nose to lip.
Then it happened.
HANK: Jordan, the Holy Spirit told me that we could go ahead and have sex, now that the truth has been revealed! Hallelujah, Hallelujah!
Eyes closed, face to the heavens, looking a little like Stevie Wonder.
HANK (con’t): …thank you Jesus, abbalebabble, jabba waka ding dong, scooby dibbely doo, wing wong ping pong, king kong cheech and chong, hop hip kasha goo-goo…
ME: Whoa, whoa. Pump the brakes preacher man. Who has two thumbs and talks to Jesus everyday, all day? This girl! I’m really pumped for you, that you had such a great and vivid experience, buuuuut I think, maybe, something might have been interpreted incorrectly. I’m just gonna say this, I can assure you that my Father, my Lord… He would have let me in on this little conversation…. if it were true you psycho! (Okay fine, I didn’t say that last part because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.)
HANK: I wanna say something. I’m gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back. I want to be on you.
I turned and started walking back into my building, trying to conceal my laughter.
HANK (con’t): Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I… I wanna be on you.
I kept telling myself that I was still hungover from all the sugar, but unfortunately that was not the case.
This past Sunday I went to one of my favorite chruches, Grace Church in Wichita Falls, Texas. Tom Rodgers’, the pastor, sermon was on ‘False Teachers’.
*Please don’t think I am trying to call Hank out, or say he is a false teacher. That is not my intent. But, when you’re walking with Christ, you can recognize when something is or isn’t from Him.*
As I looked over my notes from Sunday, I began to notice similarities between Hank’s behavior and these false teachers. A quick breakdown of False Teachers shows us:
- They will deceive many people into believing false doctrines.
- They have knowledge of Biblical truths and will use it against you.
- They will use charm, deceit, popularity, attraction, etc, to try and lead you astray.
- They lead you to believe they’re furthering God’s Kingdom, but in fact, these sleaze bags are trying to create their own.
So now I wanted to try something, lets change the breakdown of ‘False Teachers’ to ‘Guys Who Want to Get in Your Pants’:
- They will deceive many people into believing false truths: “The Holy Spirit told me that we could go ahead and have sex now.”
- They have knowledge of Biblical truths and will use it against you: “yeah, I’m saving myself for my wife.”
- They will use charm, deceit, popularity, attraction, etc, to try and lead you astray:“As a man, it is so hard to find a woman in today’s society who truly embraces her virginity… if you can even find a virgin.”
- They lead you to believe they’re furthering God’s Kingdom, but in fact, these sleaze bags are trying to create their own: “Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I… I wanna be on you.”
I think Tom puts it perfectly, “False teachers have their own agenda. They don’t care what God’s scripture says, they’re trying to create their own kingdom.” While I don’t know what Hank was thinking, I know he definitely had his own agenda. Whether or not Hank is a false teacher, I don’t know, but I do know those guys are out there, and they will stop at nothing. Don’t be afraid to “test” your relationships.
So what sets us believers apart from these false teachers? Faith, hope and love.
- Faith: Hebrews 11:1 “Faith is being sure of what we hope for. It is being certain of what we do not see.” It’s completely trusting God with every aspect of your life (yes, this includes your love life!)
- Hope: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Expectations and desires - those are OKAY! He wants that for us.
- Love: John 3:16 “For God SO loed the world that He gave his one and ONLY Son, that whoever believes in Him WILL NOT perish but have everlasting life.” This is the greatest definition of a true, genuine, unfailing, never-ending love.
Don’t mistake false love for true love. Be patient. And girls, trust me, your superhero’s are out there, they’re just saving the world right now.